spent

lily petals from my mothers day bouquet …

they have been sitting in a delicate pile on the windowsill by the sink … patiently waiting for a sunny day

inky colours like jeweled beetle carapaces … fibrous venation dried to rippled delicacy

the insta-cation

(so upon reading it back, this post is feeling very 'waaaaah!' white-middle-class-thirty-year-old-problems … but it think it's important for me to get it out and have it somewhere. so that if i ever start to notice the obsessive outweighing the sporadic again i can come back here and remind myself to stop … to snap-out-of-it … to remember to balance the two sides of my nature.)

so … instagram.

i think i may have been addicted. i was addicted … and it's so so easy to get that way because there are so many crazy-gorgeous amazing inspiring people in there … and so many awesome hashtags to play with … and everyone is so sweet and kind and supportive. it was a whirlwind romance … but then (without realising it in the beginning) things started to get done purely for instagram … and things that should have been happening (like housework and playing with small people and doting on my husband and making the things i wanted to make) just stopped.

because unlike blogging where the commenting is off in an email waiting for a response later … with instagram they're all THERE! … and i was finding them impossible to ignore. when i only had fifty followers it was ok. it was easy to say something back to everyone who had something lovely to say … but it started to get harder and harder. people would say things that i wanted to chitchat with them about … but i felt like i should say something to everyone else who'd left a smiley or a 'love' in the comments above (because that's what i'd always done) and then it would all seem too hard so i'd not. and i'd get to the end of the day having posted five or six shots and then (because that's what i'd always done) feel obligated to spend several hours replying 'thank you' to smileys and 'love's.

my love put up with it for quite a while … because he could see the good things that were coming from it … but then there was an argument … and it helped me realise that i'd been doing things the wrong way. (well really i think i knew all along in the back of my mind … but i was trying to ignore the little voices telling me that things were becoming silly.)

so i stopped. i took a week long insta-cation … and i felt like i really was on holidays.

oh there was some documenting … but only things that seemed truly worthy. not the on-the-treadmill-must-produce-something frenzy that i'd felt previously. only things that i really WANTED to do (and then take photos of) … and all the time taken up with the 'thank you'-ing was put to much better use.

it was amazing!

and i've learned a few things …

i was holding myself to a standard that i wasn't holding others to. if i drop a 'love' or a smiley on someone's shot it's a bit like a second 'like' … i don't expect a response. i doubt i'd remember where i'd left those kinds of comments most of the time, much less expect a return comment. but i made myself FEEL like i had to say 'thank you' to everyone who did the same to me.

i created a sense of obligation within myself to produce a certain number of shots in a day … regardless of feeling that way inclined or not. purely because i'd HAD days when i had felt that way inclined … when the flow was in high gear and things just seemed to effortlessly roll from one idea to another. i think perhaps i was afraid that if i had a quiet day it meant the inspiration had left me … a desperate scrabble to claw back that gorgeous sense of flow.

i was letting fear of hurting peoples feelings online stop me from operating in a sensible, rational, appropriate way at home with the three shiniest people in my world.

and finally … i'm a total nutbag!

so i'm going to stop being a nutbag (in the bad sense … i'm pretty sure i'll always be a bit nutbag-y). instead of running on autopilot on instagram and in the real world, i'm going to say 'thank you' by being a more measured in my posting … quality over quantity … by thinking harder about my commenting to others … by responding to comments that spark my interest and feel like they may start conversations. i'm going to do things in my life that i can instagram if i choose … play with my kidos … dote on my husband … make things … because they're the thing that really make me happy and most of all they're the important things (along with keeping on top of the laundry … i guess).

phew! congratulations … you made it to the end of my novella!

so … because i've had a few people comment to me that they struggle with insta-obsession a bit too, i guess i'm hoping to maybe start a little dialogue (with this slice of how-i-really-feel). perhaps how-i-really-feel might help someone else take a closer look at how-they-really-feel … please please add something if you'd like to. i'd love to hear if you've felt the same … or completely different … (or just wanna tell me to get over it!)

… xx

featured … (!)

the exceptionally sweet and lovely georgina of perpetual one …
has written some very very nice things about me over on her blog today … you should go look …
if indeed there are any of you still hanging about here (!) …
go on … shoo … off you go … it's right here!

dear blog

oh you poor neglected thing … 

i'm so very sorry to have left you languishing for so long.

i have been thinking about you recently. 

about how best to make use of you. 

about a makeover. 

about many things but mainly just thinking … 

it's coming together in my brain. 

all the little pieces … 

in that epemeral half formed way that sometimes happens.

i'm feeling i'll be back again soonish … xx

resolving

to be present in the moment ... whatever it requires of me

to practice silliness

to walk weekly (and eat less sugar)

to speak mindfully or not at all

to stop comparing ... it is the thief of joy

to think less and do more

to be kinder (mainly to myself)

to let go of perfection

to maintain places for my brain to rest

 to link with love ... i'm looking at you pinterest boards!

a conversation

me: here, let me wipe your mits

her: no mummy, not mits, hands

do you instagram? 

i'm a little bit obsessed ...  i think my fifty-two posts will be migrating there in 2013

you can find me there as iambcwer

nanna delux

i made this little tea cosy for my love for his birthday, from a pattern in really wild tea cosies by loani prior. he's been complaining for so long that we didn't have one that i just had to ... what grown man complains about the lack of a teacosy anyway?!

it's a simple pattern to follow, being mainly various sized granny squares in single colours. i used jo sharp silkroad dk tweed yarn in magnolia, peppercorn and treasure colourways and classic dk wool in teal and navy colourways (incidentally, when i went to double check the colour names, i've just noticed that they're both on sale on the jo sharp knit website).

i added some little ties at the top instead of stitching it together as the pattern suggests. our teapot seemed to be a little shorter and fatter than specified and i was worried that i wouldn't be able to squoosh it in when full of boiling hot tea.

i'm playing along with everyone at my creative space.

make it // easy peasy paper ornaments

the year m. was born was the first year that i really felt the need to have a 'proper' christmas tree. our plastic fir was covered in baby-safety-conscious plastic decorations from spotlight and target ... i probably shouldn't have worried because she was completely oblivious.

that year my mum gifted me all of the ornaments that she had amassed over the years on my behalf. i'm not sure if it was her intention in the beginning, but it became a bit of a tradition for my younger siblings and i to receive an ornament as part of our gift wrap, or in our stockings each christmas.

now that i have my own little family i've been thinking a bit harder about updating our plastic ornaments. replacing them with hand crafted ones that i can hand on to the kidlets when they are grown and putting up their own christmas trees. i'm hoping to begin my own tradition and make something for or with the kids each year.

these sweet little paper pine cone ornaments are my first attempt at something stylish and home made. they're super quick to whip up, look gorgeous on the tree and would also look lovely as part of the wrapping on a gift for someone special.

overheard

look out shadow ... it's me.

fifty-two

one hundred and eighty // the reach ... he so wants to be moving

nine hundred and sixty-six // santa ... not so sure (at the playgroup christmas party)

fifty-two

nine hundred and fifty-nine // first time helping to set up the christmas tree ... 

there are a large number of baubles clustered between the bottom of the tree and as-high-as-a-two-year-old-can-reach.

one hundred and sixty-five // texture fiend ... i remember m. going through a phase like this. 

he's been flinging himself out of my arms in his rush to scratch at the couch fabric.

fifty-two

one hundred and fifty-four // my baby bird ...
he's on solids full time now (despite my wanting to wait till six months) and a much happier little person for it.

nine hundred and fifty-one // pigtails (and) wheeeee. the end.

on the moon

i showed her this photo taken at ngv kids corner.

she said:
look mummy, m-lanlan's on the moon.

inspire // stickwork

we took the kids into the city to have a look at the ngv kids corner at fed square and to check out stickwork by patrick dougherty.

the placement of the sitcks creates a swirling sense of movement which reminded me a lot of the way water can flaten long grass as it moves downhill towards a water course. i was also surprised by the variation in the colours of the willow bark.

it's an amazing piece of construction and in my expereince, artworks you can touch, feel and walk around in are few and far between. stickwork will be in place utill early 2013, so there is plenty of time to check it out ... definitely worth a visit if you're nearby.

fifty-two

nine hundred and twenty-eight // coming out the other side ...
we started well, had an extremely rough patch on day three and four and now
(after about two and a half weeks)
i feel like i'm not intensely focused on every little hop, jiggle and twitch that she makes.
(this ebook was extremely helpful, the free forum however, was not).

one hundred and forty-six // in the interest of accurate reporting ...
i feel it's only fair to say that he does this a fairly large proportion of the time that he is awake ...
lucky he's such a good sleeper or he'd have been given away free to a good home by now.

mispronounciations

some current favourites

cholokit (chocolate)

her-ie a cowlie (hairy maclary)

lello (yellow)

geego (there you go)

polie wolie (roly poly ... a somersault)

efelat (elephant)

ones she's grown out of

m-lanlan (her name)

fifty-two

one hundred and thirty-seven // solids ...
he started watching my lunch with serious intensity as it made its way from plate to mouth. i just couldn't resist.
not sure what he makes of baby rice, but his expression is priceless!

nine hundred and thirty // this was the first time she'd ever asked to wear a particular piece of clothing
(her flower girl dress from a friends wedding). i had to force the coat on her though, the apparent temperature was 2.8°C.

drive by

we took a trip out to bendigo a few days ago. 

on the way, there is a small patch of countryside that is dotted all over with piles of boulders.

it's difficult to take photos from the passenger seat of a speeding car.

fifty-two

nine hundred and eighteen // first ponytail...

it stayed in for half the day which is fairly amazing as she usually won't tolerate anything in her hair.

one hundred and thirty-four // the ever expanding friction bald patch

borrowed

it seems my neon patched pants tutorial has gathered enough momentum to be 'borrowed' by a popular (?) fashion blog in holland (?).

i can't say i'm over the moon. my images have been chopped up and adjusted and there was no contact from the blog owner to ask if they could up-cycle my content. i only discovered it because of the odd jump in my page views.

to be fair, they describe the tutorial as 'super cute' which is kind of flattering, they did do the right thing in linking to the blog and they had to translate the instructions into dutch (2 seconds in google translate?) ... so what's my problem?

my blog is ad free (they make me feel funny), the 'up-cycling' blog is smothered in ads ... i don't like the idea of two entire days of my life making money for someone else. as a graphic designer in a studio my charge out rate was something like $90 to $120 an hour, so that's $1440 of my time (if i'm charging mates rates) that is now being capitalised on by someone else. you know that fight or flight adrenaline rush you get when you feel all righteously angry about something ... i have that right now!

and another thing ... i think pretty hard about how i want my posts to look, cutting up my images and displaying them at the wrong resolution makes my work look dodgy and unprofessional and makes me more than a little sad.

what do you think?

do i have a right to feel cranky?

how would you deal with the situation?







google translation 
(for the benefit of my new dutch followers)

het lijkt mijn neon gepatchte broek tutorial is genoeg momentum te worden 'geleend' door een populaire (?) fashion blog in holland (?) verzameld.

Ik kan niet zeggen dat ik ben in de wolken. mijn beelden zijn gehakt en aangepast en er was geen contact van de blog eigenaar om te vragen of ze konden up-cycle mijn inhoud. Ik heb alleen ontdekt als gevolg van de oneven sprong in mijn pageviews.

om eerlijk te zijn, ze de tutorial beschrijven als 'super cute' dat is een beetje geflatteerd, ze deden het juiste te doen in de koppeling naar de blog en moesten ze de instructies in het Nederlands (2 seconden in google vertalen?) vertalen ... dus wat is mijn probleem?

mijn blog is ad gratis (ze maken me grappig gevoel), zal de 'up-cycling' blog gesmoord in advertenties ... ik hou niet van het idee van twee hele dagen van mijn leven om geld te verdienen voor iemand anders. als grafisch ontwerper in een studio mijn lading out percentage was iets van $ 90 tot $ 120 per uur, dus dat is $ 1440 van mijn tijd (als ik vrienden tarieven opladen) die nu wordt geactiveerd op door iemand anders. je weet dat vechten of vluchten adrenaline rush die je krijgt wanneer je het gevoel helemaal rechtvaardig boos over iets ... Ik heb dat op dit moment!

en een ander ding ... ik denk dat vrij moeilijk over de manier waarop ik wil mijn berichten te zoeken en snijden mijn beelden en ze te tonen op de verkeerde resolutie maakt mijn werk kijken dodgy en onprofessioneel en maakt me meer dan een beetje triest.

wat denk je?

heb ik het recht om te voelen chagrijnig?

hoe zou u omgaan met de situatie?